5.15.2013

The Celebrity Firing Line

As many of you are aware, I usually fill the screen with rants of a political nature.  Today, I thought I’d break away from the norm and focus on a topic I’ve done my damnedest to avoid – celebrities.  Enough of you have asked my opinion on some of these so-called ‘stars’ that I thought I’d go ahead and share them with you all at once and in my usual subdued manner.

Sean Penn:  I don’t care how good critics thought his performances have been over the past decade or so. He hasn’t been relevant since Spicoli.  I just wish this jerk would shut the hell up and stop pushing his ultra-fascist views.  No one cares, Sean, about you or your murderous friends.

Lady Gaga:  the shtick was barely tolerable in the ‘80s when Madonna created it.  This broad does nothing but mimic.  Side note – no matter how little clothing you wear, Ms. Gaga, you are still quite repulsive.

Jim Carrey:  I’m ashamed to say he’s a fellow Canadian.  Amazing how a feel-good story like his – he once had to live in a car – can be self-sabotaged by a few ill-advised tweets on a subject he knows nothing about.  Someone should’ve told him that Americans don’t appreciate a foreigner telling them they should change their Constitution.  Stick to two dimensional slapstick characters and leave the heavy topics to the adults.

Kristen Stewart:  Um, sweetie?  You don’t need to screw the director once you’ve already gotten the part.  Also, the perma-stoned look is so 2004.

Beyonce:  never did see the attraction.  Not a bad singer back in the day, now rumored to be part (princess?) of the burgeoning ‘illuminati’ cult.  Should leave the brainwashing of our kids to the real experts – teachers.  Oh, and your BFF president is an asshole.

Justin Bieber:  the race is on.  Which comes first: puberty or imprisonment for drug possession?

Kanye West:  a guy who has made millions talking to a microphone and calling it ‘singing’.  Still unsure if his mangled jaw was the result of a car accident or a shooting, but it doesn’t matter.  He survived.  Think of all the needless suffering that could have been avoided…

The Kardashians:  I see any one of them and I can’t help but think they have that bushy ‘70s pubes thing going on.  Ick.

P!nk:  I like her.  Her music, not so much.   But she speaks her mind and you gotta love that.

Snooki:  this is what happens when parents smoke crack during a pregnancy.

Eva Longoria:  yeah, I’d do her.  I don’t have the time to wait in such a long line, however.

Katie Holmes:  I could care less about her acting.  She escaped a cult.  She got her kid out.  Kudos from me on that one.

Alec Baldwin:  so much material here, but I’ll just stick to his views regarding Canada’s oil sands.  Alec, if you’re going to publicly bash an industry, at least learn a few facts first.  Like where they are.

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His Name Was Steven